Something Completely Different
by Shortyst
Summary: It was frustrating really. In all these years he didn't think he'd won a single bet with Minerva and it certainly wasn't any different this time. HGSS. Chap 3: Severus and Christmas Spirit?
1. Severus's Increasing Headaches

Disclaimer: If you haven't already guessed that I am impersonating a famous authoress living in Scotland...well, I'm not. I just happen to be feeding homeless orphaned children with Typhus.

Additional Disclaimer: I am not a charitable person. Orphans with Typhus mean the same to me as little siblings with squirt guns.

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It was frustrating really. 

In all these years he didn't think he'd won a single bet with Minerva and it certainly wasn't any different this time.

She had walked up to him on the last day of classes two years before and had instigated another wager. This time, about the famous (or infamous- it depended on which of the two you asked) Hermione Granger.

"She will return to Hogwarts to teach."

"When? What are the conditions this time Minerva?" He was curious, he'd have to admit that. This was the strangest wager he'd seen Minerva- well, maybe not the strangest. There was a year that the crazy Scots-woman dared to bet him that someone would turn his hair different colours from a botched potions assignment. This of course, was cheating. It just so happened to be Year 1 for Fred and George Weasley.

"That will not be a condition. Whether she returns next fall or next decade, as long as she returns, you will remember at that time that you owe me a pretty penny."

"You say this with no prior knowledge?" Minerva was too crafty...she ALWAYS had prior knowledge, whatever the subject was. He was still certain she had bribed those impudent dunderheads to do her dirty work...

"None." She said. He raised an eyebrow. "None that would make it an unfair advantage to you."

He was ever mistrusting, as always. "And it will not be-" He trailed off and glared at her pointedly.

"I do not cheat!" The Potions Master frowned at that. He wasn't so sure. The remembrance of that green and purple and- ugh- orange being scrubbed off his scalp was still too much.

"I want a witness."

"Peeves." Oh yes, she was up to something.

"No. Absolutely not."

"Argus Filch."

"I trust him less than the Slytherins I send him to discipline."

"Sybil."

"Don't mention that busy-body of a woman around me."

"...Remus?"

He stared at her for a long while, thinking of both the witness in question's character and the likelihood of fraud or deceit from either of them. Miniscule...from the werewolf, that is.

"Why do I still hesitate to do this, Minerva?" he asked her sceptically. "Do you think you will win so badly as this?"

She gave a knowing smile (prior knowledge!). "Perhaps..."

"No persuasion!"

She balked at that. "Why not?"

"Here you are, you have cheated again."

"It was just a guess!"

"I'd wager not. Does Vector or Flitwick plan to retire? My wager is that she is a replacement."

"Perhaps..."

"I'll not make the bet."

"I didn't think you would. Then I'd be right."

"What the damn are you getting at woman? You've had a bit too much Scotch for this time in the morning!"

"Perhaps..." Minerva left Severus in utter confusion as she walked away down the hall, thinking about why Hermione Granger would NOT be returning to Hogwarts to teach, but perhaps...

...for something completely different.

* * *

Minerva had tried to get the better of him once again, but it hadn't worked. She was trying ruthlessly to send him to an insane asylum and having a pretty good time of it in the meanwhile. Hermione Granger did indeed return to Hogwarts, not to teach, but to assist. She wished to become a Potions Mistress and had spent her two years after the war to travel to Dublin's Tirnanog University and effortlessly become immersed fully into the apprentice stage, needing only the year of study under a Master to become one herself.

And lucky for him, she had gotten homesick.

Homesick for the mother country, for Hogwarts.

For Harry and Ron and Neville and Luna and Ginny and her parents and Remus and Tonks and Bill and Charlie and, come to mention it, all the other Weasley's that were floating around.

For Hagrid and Crookshanks and that weird Durmstrang character that she might be over now...and Parvati and Lavender and Hannah and the rest of the Hufflepuffs and every Griffindor that has ever lived, including Minerva. Despicable, coniving, decietful, derisive, terrible, hateful, and somehow well-loved Minerva.

As you may have guessed, this is not how Hermione compiled the list of people she missed in her head, but how it was compiled for her by Professor Snape, now in a very bad mood (so he was doing quite normally, actually) because Minerva had agreed for him to take on an apprentice without asking his consent, so he was now silently throwing daggers at anyone who ever thought a single good thing about Minerva McGonagall. This list consisted of people who had thought that Minerva McGonagall was the best Headmistress (never Headmaster) that Hogwarts had ever seen to people that had greeted her with a "Happy Christmas" last holiday. It was much better than grading Gryffindors' summer assignments, which lacked good sentence structure and (as is the opinion of most muggle grammer teachers) were not worth to use as shoe rags.

"Hello? Professor Snape?"

Numero uno on this glaring Slytherin's hit list had just arrived. As a well known suck up and know-it-all, Hermione Granger certainly fit the bill of giving the despised (for the moment) Minerva McGonagall all together too much affection.

"Enter- I don't believe I heard you knock, Miss Granger."

"Oh, yes, I'm sorry sir. Professor McGonagall told me I could come right in."

He glared inwardly, though he was already glaring outwardly. Another reason to murder the headmistress over dinner tonight.

He delved right in. "I assume that you have been taught Potions Theory, as well as the chemistry involved in potion-making?"

At her nod, he continued. "You have also learned the history behind many-"

"I missed much of the in-class learning, but I have found the information in my own time."

"Very well. You did take Accidental Results and Theories?"

She nodded again.

"I will leave you to complete the two Wolfsbane potions on your own then. Take them out of stasis and check that they are stirred properly before adding the final ingredients. The moon will rise in exactly one hour. After these are done, deliver them to Mr. Lupin and Mr. Weasley." He began to leave when he heard her speak.

"Sir? Could we- could we drop the formalities? I'll be here for a year and apprentice status is barely less than a colleague."

"Your office is across the hall from mine Miss Granger. The formalities are necessary, because apprentice status, while 'barely less' than colleagial, is still less."

At that, he swept away down the long, dark dungeon corridor, hoping to stumble across Minerva, perhaps accidentally, and hex her mercilessly.

END CHAPTER 1

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This is the first chapter. I apologize for being terrible at updating quickly in the past, but I swear that I have changed my ways!!!

If you forgive me, please review. If you don't care, please review. If you hate this chapter, please review. If you hate me, please review. If you have a grudge against my grandmother's cat, please review. If you are finding my pathetic pleading pointless, funny, disturbing, annoying, or just plain Minerva-like, please review.


	2. Squabbles, Rows, or Disagreements

Thank you to the mysterious and strange reviewers that have so far done their civic duty. Thank you especially to Severus-Fan and Kiwi6498 for commenting on the story and for moonfairy for forgiving my long gone late-updating habits. Oh- and go ahead and slap me. Can I claim that I just...forgot? Sigh...yes, my updating habits will probably never change.

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Hermione Granger, or "Miss Granger" as she stayed, was finding her apprenticeship aggravating, but decidedly worth it, as she got to witness occasional squabbles between the Headmistress and the Potions Master that were most assuredly entertaining. 

There was the squabble about her apprenticeship (she had found out that he had not wanted to take her on in the first place, but she was standing firm and had refused to leave), the squabble about wearing black (which apparently happened every Christmas and Eastertime, as well as any other time Minerva remembered and brought it up), and the squabble she had had with Severus in which she had mentioned "squabbles" and he seemed to get very angry at the word, as it was the wrong word to use and suggested some childish element to his and Minerva's disagreements. So yes, if you're asking, there was even a squabble about squabbles. The word had become so annoying to everyone involved and had been repeated so many times that Hermione reverted to the much more acceptable row, or disagreement.

It was mid October and Severus Snape greeted Minerva at the meal as he always did.

With a glare.

That would sound normal at any other time, but when you say that an average person glares, then he makes a particularly angry face. As Severus Snape was quite adept at making spiteful glances, when he tried specifically to do so, it became altogether as chilling as the dungeons in which he worked and lived.

Or not.

Since he had gained a new floormate in his apprentice, it was disappointing (for him, at least) when a perfectly gloomy day for everyone turned out to be a bit...cheery.

He despised cheery.

As not to be a complete pill, he was at least a bit more considerate around Christmas time, so he figured that it made up for the rest of the year. If anyone started to make him so much as THINK a nice thought that wasn't on Christmas Day or a "let's-take-all-my-anger-out-on-that-shiny-Gryffindor-hourglass" Day, it wasn't appreciated.

He absolutely was of the opinion that Misery was company enough...any other emotions would balance out the Misery and cause loneliness, which he had avoided thinking about as well.

Though don't pity the poor man!

Pity was crap. Pity was being taken for every romanticised miser there was. Severus has had enough of that.

He would not want to be taken for a Mr. Darcy, with the Pureblooded pride (or is it prejudice?), or a Mr. Rochester, too old, ugly, and rich to shed his past mistakes, or even a Silas Marner, only needing the love of a pretty little child to be brought out of seclusiveness...

But back to supper.

Minerva took the look as normally, with a head nod, as if this were a typical glare from Severus. She was wrong because (though the professor would give a glare if he heard it) there was nothing typical about Severus Snape. He looked around at the tables of students, enjoying their supper happily, before leaning over to whisper something in Minerva's ear. The students were the perfect witnesses.

Hermione Granger, as an apprentice, was coming into the great hall and heading towards the staff table when she saw Minerva, who had had Severus Snape whispering maliciously in her ear, jump up and walk quickly- almost run- past her, out the doors, and into the hallway. Snape sported what could be called a gloating look on his face. Hermione took her seat next to the non-romanticised miser, and looked at him questionably. The rest of the staff seemed to be doing the same thing, although their glances were sideways and hidden, trying to pretend that they indeed had no interest in the amusing scene of Minerva McGonagall almost sprinting away from the Potions Master. It was very lucky that she was the headmistress, or the students' laughs would not have been so smothered behind hands.

"Sir?" Hermione questioned.

"Minerva will hesitate before-" he began to say silkily, but smirked wider as he heard a near shriek from the entrance hall. "She does so love the house cup to go to her Gryffindors." The headmistress had apparently gone to check the Gryffindor hourglass that hung in the hall. She did not come back happy.

"Two points?" said a tight-lipped Minerva as she sat down again. "How could they have misbehaved enough to lose one hundred and forty-eight points?" She directed the question at Severus, cold, quiet, and angry she was a terror to behold.

"There was a potions accident, I'm afraid, Minerva. I made all twenty of the Gryffindor students pay with ten house points each. "

"That is hardly fair, Severus!" Minerva frowned. She could add. "But the points...Then how-"

"That would be my doing headmistress," Hermione chimed in. "The potions accident was due to a Slytherin sabotage and there was a brawl afterwards between two students. I awarded fifty points to Gryffindor for winning the fight, and two more for giving his opponent a cut lip and a bloodied nose."

The disagreement (not squabble) was forgotten as Minerva laughed heartily. "I do say," she said, wiping away tears of mirth, "you'll put Severus in his place yet."

Severus returned to his quarters in a near slump. He began to think that he would never understand women, and certainly never get the better of them.

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Short? Yes. Will I update in the next day or so? Yes; so keep your pants on about the length and just give me a review to scold me and tell me how annoyed you were. 


	3. Ebenezer's Bet of Christmas Present

Thanks to Delayed Poet who did end up slapping me when I...forgot to update over a period of...okay okay months. Yes I hate authors like that too...yes I constantly badger them too, but it usually doesn't work. I was at the perfect point to badger since I had decided the only way to use my sarcastic bitter humor was channeling the character of Severus Snape...I'm going to continue this story as it started, as that sexy bastard is too lovable to ever die.

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Ooooh goody, she had thought.

Hermione Granger was now in the process of doing the 'perfect' thing for a friday night- paper grading! Not to mention occasionally glancing up at the students furiously scrubbing cauldron bottoms in the dungeon that night- also a perfectly enjoyable activity. At least, according to the potions master who was doing a terribly duty bound imposing thing. He was having a quiet cup of tea with Minerva and discussing topics of her choice, which happened to be about as constant as fifth-year Gryffindor study habits. No, Miss Granger and those lucky lucky Hufflepuffs were certainly having the time of their lives.

October had passed quickly and November was already proving to be a formidable force. Severus got up earlier in order to magically heat the dungeons, which not even the fire could warm corner to corner. This was unknowingly kind of him, as he overlooked the fact that the bitter cold was one of the most important implements to making his class absolutely unbearable. Hermione remembered this and it was the only thing she could think of as a reason to not strangle the currently absent potions master. His 'charming' disposition had so far been difficult, but undeniably amusing. If Severus Snape had no other good qualities toward his nature, it must be emphasized that he was- sometimes horribly- amusing.

"Miss Granger is getting along well?"

There was a naturally following glare. "Minerva, with that twinkle in your eye, you look positively Albus-like. Those tarts aren't lemon, are they?"

She harrumphed. "Pretending you would know. You've refused to even touch your tea this whole half-hour."

"The tea and tarts you went through so much toil and trouble to summon from the kitchens. Forgive me if I'm not thoroughly offended."

"Oh, Severus, what if anything could-" A smile. A knowing smile.

"Not another damn twinkle. What is your ingenius scheme at the moment?"

"Scheme? I hardly know what you mean."

"Not another bet. With what you pay me, I hardly get by as it is."

"That's ridiculous and you know it." She said, grinning. "It's about Miss Granger, though not a bet.Only a prediction..."

Raised eyebrow. "Does any other topic occupate your conversations?"

"Not particularly."

"Your prediction?"

"I do think that if I told you, you would do anything within your power to see to it not happening."

Slight chuckle (the apocolypse!) "I think you have finally made a sensible prediction. You should replace Sybil."

"What am I ever going to do with you Severus?" And motherly, as he left. "Or without you..."

* * *

December. Already Christmastime present in everyday conversation. Already everyday conversation proceeding to get sappier and sappier.

As red and green are Christmas colors, all the more reason to give Slytherin an unnecessary amount of points. Hermione and Minerva were of this mind too. Result? Unspoken competition. Craftiness naturally went to Slytherin's head, although the new apprentice caught on quickly. As Severus was less likely to notice good deeds being done around the castle- not to mention he was at a disadvantage as Slytherin good deeds are rare, and even then anonymous- Hermione bestowed points frequently to Gryffindors committing them purposely in front of her.

"Miss Granger, you dropped your scarf." "May I carry your books, Miss Granger?" "Hey John! Hold the door for Miss Granger!"

Five points to Gryffindor. Five points. Five points. Five points for you too.

Severus was sulkily losing.

It wasn't in the least bit fair anyway. What would happen if he were to do the unthinkable and be kind this Christmas? Who would be the one to give him points? Good job, Severus, you've finally pulled your head up out of your arse. But no. It was usually- because though it was rare, it had occured- unaknowledged if only because people were afraid of change. Yes, an angry Snape is bad, but do we really WANT to know what a happy, kind, thoughtful one is like? Not particularly. It was understandable to say the least. Severus found it a bit unnerving as well. Although in secret, he was a closet philanthropist. He got just as much joy out of giving Slytherins points as he did from taking them away from Gryffindors which was a start to say the least. He had a feeling that only Christmas could bestow- because honestly, reader, you were crazy to think this would last outside that season- and he was determined to make his own bet with Minerva.

Pbbbshhtttt. She spat out the tea directly. "What?"

"Yes, that's right. Jolly."

Snerk. Hand over mouth. Couldn't hold it in. Minerva laughed uncontrollably while Severus patiently waited for her to control herself. It took a while.

"Jolly?" She nearly had another fit right then and there.

"Well, perhaps not jolly," he admitted. Even he knew he couldn't go that far. "Friendly, let's say."

"You do know that I win either way. You being friendly is not a sight to miss."

He smiled a bit sheepishly...

No. It's not.

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End Chapter 3...I was going to write a poem about reviewing, but I decided to just give you a cliffhanger instead. Cliffhanger? Severus about to be friendly for the holiday season is a cliffhanger? You bet it is. Review if you want more than one hilarious situation involved in the next chapter. 


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